"Imitation is the highest form of flattery" ~ Charles Caleb Colten 1820

I remember when I was in middle school I wanted to be just like a girlfriend of mine; her name was Julie. She had brown eyes - I had blue. She had dark skin – I was pale. She was a cheerleader – and I couldn’t do a cartwheel. I never looked at what I did have; I looked at what I didn’t. And thus, began a path I would walk on for a very long time of not liking who I was and always, always wanting to be someone else.

My childhood insecurities cropped up during my adolescence which was a turbulent time for me. My mind and body were changing so rapidly that it was tough keeping up with myself. In the 1970s, you didn’t talk to your parents about these changes and your peers, well; they too, were navigating these changes in their own way. Magazines, posters, sex education, and your siblings were the way that a message got delivered. Unfortunately, most of these avenues were as unreliable as my ever-changing thoughts.

I got married and had both children all by the ripe old age of 26. I say tongue-in-cheek, that while I was at home raising a family; my friends were at happy hour. I wanted to be married. We wanted to have children. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to imitate anyone else, I was finding my way…and liking it. I would periodically borrow others voices and opinions if I didn’t like my own. That worked, until it didn’t. Exhausted, defeated, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, I looked inward and discovered that I was playing small. It was time for me to step out and into who I was. Ok, who was I? I was about to find out.

Today, I have been given an opportunity to mentor other women. My first thought was, “What could I possibly have that they might want?” I was missing the point. I didn’t have to see what I had, they saw what I had. It was the look on my face, the calm of my voice, the hug that we all long to get and to give. I am a part of a 12-step program that has changed my life. It starts with having the courage to change and ends with carrying the message. The message, not the mess. What goes on in-between is a personal journey. One that was taken with the guidance of another women and God.

"I don't think imitation is the highest form of flattery, I think it's annoying” ~ P!nk 2011

It is not a coincidence that I found this quote and that it came from the women who has constantly reinvented herself. She has written songs about empowerment, sadness, sobriety, stupid girls, trying, and so much more. There is a theme that she writes and sings about; and that is to be yourself. In a time where social media, magazines, peer pressure and our desire to be someone else (so badly at times, it hurts; even kills) is at an all-time high, it’s time to stop and breathe. Sit. Unplug. Think. Journal.

If you can’t help others, please do hurt. Gossip and criticism are toxic. When I am talking about someone else, it is because I am feeling shitty about myself. Do I do it? Yes. Do I do it less than I did last week? Yes. When you become aware of something – anything, it is a prime opportunity for growth, unless you choose to stay. Stay stuck. Stay unchanged. Stay toxic.

A lot of people encouraged me to find my voice and I can (proudly) count all of them on one hand. One of my father’s biggest fears was that I was going to get hurt, …” if I put myself out there.” I love you Dad; however, I am putting myself out there and there are those who will benefit from my blogging/writing, and there are those who will judge. Forward is forward and imitation no longer an option.